{xoxo audio love.}

#137

Thank you tumblr for counting how many entries I’ve had.

Everyone that knows me knows that the numbers 1, 3, & 7 hold a deep meaning for me. Well, this is tumblr post 137, so it should mean something right?

Honestly, I’ve never felt so lost before in my life. I know I’ve said this countless times but I truly have lost my way. I’m not sure what I’m even passionate about anymore. I forced myself back into my photography, but that’s how it feels…forced.

Music is the one thing I always turn to, live music even more so to get me out of funks. The last couple shows I went to, I would have rather been anywhere but there. I don’t feel like I “fit in” anymore, I’m too old for all the drama that surrounds shows these days. I’m sick of hearing that “so-and-so” was on whatever gossip website was cool that day. I’m sick of hearing that my friends & myself are being ripped apart by said gossip websites. Whatever happened to everything being about the music? What happened to going to a show to forget about the outside world and just feeling the music? Instead it seems that people are going to shows to meet bands & “get checkmarks on their bedposts”. I don’t understand when everything changed…

I miss a lot of people that I shouldn’t. I found a box of old photographs & an old journal. It brought back a lot of memories and times that I had forgotten or locked away. For a glimmer I saw my best friend come back into my life, but as always everything that glimmers is sure to fade.

There is one song that I’ve been listening to a lot lately. I forgot how much I actually enjoyed The Morning Of until I saw them in Erie again.”The New Is In”

It feels like a lover,
I won’t see in the morning.
So I keep my eyes open through the night.
I take these things for more than what they’re worth.
I take each kiss for more than it’s meant to be.
Call me a hopeless romantic, call me just plain pathetic,
I am what I feel, and tonight I don’t feel that much.

The new is in, the new is in.
I’m feeling better all ready.
I shed my skin, I’ve shed my skin.
My head is starting to steady.

I’m sorry I won’t be reachable for days,
I’m cutting myself off.
Please leave me be in my misery,
I’m making amends with my conscious.

So, come next year I won’t be reachable for days,
Because I’m taking time to let this story write it’s page.
I’m now convinced that there will be no other way.

Break apart the boy I used to be,
And build the man that I’ve become.
I am a saint in sinners clothing,
Watch me save the world.
I am a saint in sinners skin,
Now let the healing begin.
Let the healing begin.

I can look myself in the eye now,
I can feel some magic happening.
I can breathe on my own now,
I can feel my body sinking in.
Sinking in, sinking in

This songs says more about what I feel right now than anything I can put into words.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t get any of the jobs I was banking on. I’m not quite sure what that says about me & my goals right now. It’s a big set-back. A very big set-back & I don’t know how to overcome it. As much as I didn’t really want the internship, I really needed it.

I just need to find my way again & I’m not quite sure how to get back on track.

bubble time.

I’ve come to the point where I’m in a bubble again. It got me to thinking, I never went into “bubble mode” while I was living in DC. When I was in DC I never worried about who had my back & who didn’t, I had solid people that were there for me anytime of the day/night. I’ve had tons on my plate within the last couple weeks, not one person in my life has really even asked about them or what I’ve been doing.

When I go into bubble mode I become MIA. I don’t answer phones/texts unless it’s dire. Several people have an inkling when these modes occur & won’t take no for an answer. Those are the people that are in my life for that reason. They are people who truly care & won’t let me close myself off to the world.

I’ve spent a lot of time with family the past couple days. It’s really refreshing to talk to my grandma about things. She’s seen a lot in her 90 years - 30 some grandchildren/great grandchildren . She knows me better than a lot of people do & she pushes me to really try & to succeed.

I’ve been saying this for some time now, I need to work on ME. I need to stop putting everyone else first & their feelings first because guess what, they never have my best interest at heart. I surround myself with people that are looking out for themselves and where people can benefit them. I’ve started to realize what happens when I’m not that person anymore. It’s a slap in the face, but a reality check at that.

Currently, I’m unemployed. I am searching for a new job & am waiting to hear back about six jobs that I would LOVE to have. The problem is if I get more than one, I have a choice to make. I don’t know what that choice will be, that’s what I am up in the air about. Leave Buffalo? Yes please! At the same time, stay in Buffalo for perhaps a better opportunity for advancement in something that I love to do? Or, if I get one of the others…go on the road, something I love and miss dearly…

Growing up isn’t any fun.

I miss these girls & nights like this (even though I look awful in this photo from Nikki’s 21st birthday):

My nephew & I at WWE, I love him so much:

Here’s some various photos from Town Ballroom - Hey Monday/All Time Low show:

The irony is in the photos. The ones when I look the happiest, I’m the most lost & confused. I just fall into the roll of drinking to fall apart.

I have a lot of photos to edit. I need to get back to actually being the person I claim to be. My portfolio is currently falling apart at the moment. I can’t wait to join the co-op & actually start shooting again. I can’t wait to have the resources at my fingertips again. I need to get myself back into the darkroom, that’s where EVERYTHING makes sense for me. I just need to be able to afford it. Hence the continuous struggle within currently.

Bubble mode. I’m sorry if I’m MIA from here for a bit. But I’m going make a concious effort not to be.

Do you ever go into your own “bubble mode”? What do you do to get yourself out of it?